YS – Younger Self, CS – Current Self 

Scene: I have obtained a time machine, but I can do only two trips and return back to my current time. I decide to try it out. Setting the time to the beginning day of 2001 summer vacation. Setting the place to my grandfather’s TV room. A twist and a turn and some bright light, and voila, here I am. There he was. My younger self. Connecting cartridge run video game console to the TV. Figuring out which wire go where, tinkering with the amount of Voltage required to the machine, adjusting the contrast. he turns on the console and a smile on his face.

CS – So, what do you wanna play?

YS – Let’s see if you are able to figure it out. And let’s confirm if you are really who you say you are. What would I choose?

CS – Meh. Easy. Super Contra hack, with S power enabled and 30 lives. Player 1 or 2? 

YS – Player 1 always 😎

CS – Haha, alright.

YS – Do we still play these games?

CS – Actually yes. We still play all our favourite games. And not just these few games, we find lot of new games. Some games we play again and again 😛

YS – Haha, did we run out of games to play?

CS – Nah dude. There are so many to pick from. One life is not enough to play everything.

YS – What’s a dude? 🤔

CS – Oh. It means erm.. something like “friend”.

YS – Ah, ok dude. Then why are we playing same games again and again?

CS – Oh, for now you just need to know you enjoy playing it. No matter how many times you play it. As to why we do it – we do it because lot of our moral values comes from certain characters in these games. So we enjoy being these characters, even if it is virtual. But these games kick ass. Such good graphics, game-play, story arc, character development and so on.

YS – How does all that matter, if you are enjoying playing it?

CS – Haha. Ah yes. The wise old young me.

YS – So who are these characters we start following?

CS – I cannot say that to you. That is something you will discover on your own.

YS – Ok dude. So we are going bald?

CS – Lol, is that bothering you?

YS – I don’t know, should I be bothered?

CS – Nah, we are fine. Wait a minute, you are tricking me to get answers out of me by questioning me back. Hey, I know all your tricks.

YS – Hehe, you know me well 😛

CS – Well, I am you. And you are me. 

YS – Yeah yeah. So how is the future world?

CS – I am sorry, I cannot answer that question 😅

YS – What can you answer? 😑

CS – I wish it was that simple dude 😅 But still ask, I will try to answer.

YS – Ok, do we have lot of friends?

CS – No. We don’t have loooot of friends. We have very few friends, but we can proudly call them friends.

YS – Who’s our best friend?

YS – Wait, let me answer that – I cannot answer that question 🤐

CS – 😂😂 We will get in touch with some of the most beautiful people. Especially our best friend. This person will create so much impact in our life, they will play a huge role in moulding into what we are now.

YS – And what are we now?

CS – A kind soul.

YS – Anyway you are not gonna tell who that is, but still I am excited. So, what you are saying is *you know who I am talking about* is not going to be our best friend 😜

CS – Lol, I never said that. One person can have many close friends. And I want you to experience everything and everyone without any judgement and discrimination.

YS – Is our father still the same?

CS – When you look at me what is your initial impression?

YS – Ok old man, I will tell you 😜 You seem alright. I think I feel peaceful when talking to you. A calm vibe. Being so patient with me. So yeah, you are cool, I think 😅

CS – I know you are angry at father right now. Is he still the same? I can’t answer that. But all I can say is, it doesn’t matter if he is still the same or not. You are cool, I think 😅 Your words, not mine. Now don’t ask me if I am angry at him, I can’t answer.

YS – Our words.

CS – 🤣🤣 I forgot your subtle sense of humour.

YS – We are not funny anymore? 😱

CS – We are 😅 In fact, we have expanded our sense of humour in different categories. Especially dark humour.

YS – What’s dark humour? 🤔

CS – You will find out in time.

YS – Are we still into reading?

CS – I wish I can take you to my current collection. Some you will love. Some you will hate. But you will be amazed for sure. There are so many interesting book and topics we will be exposed to. I wish I can discuss all that with you.

YS – Now I can’t wait to grow up 😍

CS – Really?

YS – That’s a fair question 😅 So, are we loved? And is it real this time?

CS – Yes, you are loved. Often many people don’t know how to love you, nonetheless, still you are loved. Is it real? I don’t have an answer. I guess we will be figuring that out together 🙃

YS – Do we still struggle with reassurances?

CS – Yes, we do. But don’t worry we keep working on it.

YS – And nightmares?

CS – Yes, we still have nightmares.

YS – I understand.

CS – Perhaps not as frequent as we have right now. It will reduce over time.

YS – Phew, some good news 😜

YS – Do we ever find out why he did this to us?

CS – We don’t. In fact we decide not to pursue that path anymore.

YS – Why not?

CS – You will have you will answer when you come to that realisation. I am sorry.

YS – It’s ok, its not your fault. I know you are trying 😇

CS – We are trying.

YS – 🤣🤣

YS – Are we still scared of physical touch from others?

CS – Yes we are. There are times we will get physically starved because of that. But at least it will keep us safe.

YS – Isn’t that a bad thing?

CS – Yes, it is a bad thing. We are just trying to make the best of what we have and what we can. And I know you need assurance. So don’t worry, we are not dying a virgin 😅

YS – 🤣🤣 That actually helps 😜

CS – Yeah, I can’t stay for long. I can’t let anybody else see me. Let’s spend some time, playing together 🙃

YS – Yesss. Lets do that.

Scene: It’s been three hours since we started playing. Mother is calling us for dinner. And I decide to say my goodbye and prepare to leave. I start the machine. But before I enter into it, I turn around. Go towards my younger self.

CS – I have a lot more to say to you. But I can’t stay here for long. Here, I have written whatever I can in this letter. Read it leisurely on your bed. 

YS – Alright. Got any last minute advice?

CS – Be kind to everyone. Because you don’t know what the other person is going through. And always remember no matter what anyone says, you matter, your feelings matter and you are enough.

YS – I wish you would stay for longer.

CS – I can’t. I wont be able to answer a lot of your questions. Not that I won’t, I just can’t.

YS – It’s ok, you know what’s best for me. Take care of yourself 😇 And I am sorry, if I have made your life a struggle.

CS – Hey cool guy, You made my life awesome. Let’s not go there?

YS – Yeah, I know I am pretty awesome 😎

CS – We are pretty awesome.

YS – 🤣🤣

I hug my younger self. I enter the machine, turn it on, set the time and place. Where and when? Lol. I am not saying that. Before I start her up, I turn towards my younger self and tell him “Say hi to prpt on behalf of me 😛”. The last thing I see is my younger self blush, before I vanish away.

Scene: I finished having my dinner. And went on to play for some more time. And its time to turn it off. I go to bed. But I am excited. I want to read the letter from my future self. I didn’t want to be disturbed while reading it. So I locked my room door. Turned off the lights. Turned on the fan. Turned on my study lamp. Got myself to a comfortable position. I kept looking at the letter for a while. Wondering what could be written in it. I finally decide to open and read it.

My Dear BMan,

It’s raining so heavily while I am writing this. And I know how much we love getting drenched in rain. And I have become very lazy to go get drenched now 😛 I know you will have a lot more questions to ask. And I know I will not be able to satisfy your curiosity in the time I will be there 😅. But then there are few things I would want to tell you. So here it goes.

For sometime I thought I lost you. It felt like I will never find you again. But fortunately here we are. I want you to know that we don’t let anything happened to us interfere with how we treat others, or at-least we try. But we are also human, we make mistakes, we get emotional, have expectations. Lot of people will find it weird, coz not many have seen this side of ours. It’s ok, they forget there’s a human touch to us as well.

I know we are very broken. Often people will break us more, when we are trying to pick our already broken pieces. But you are a warrior. So, please don’t give up on us. We don’t give up on ourselves or anybody for that matter. You are more than enough. If somebody thinks otherwise, that does not necessarily mean something is wrong with you. You are always as kind as you are now. There are so many sides to you, than you will ever realise. I want you to embrace all of them.

I know you will be taught to go and chase happiness. Coz, the world around you thinks it is important to be happy. But one cannot be happy always. We must learn to respect all emotions and feelings equally. Process them and go through them as it is demanded. It is not going to be easy. But I want you to know you will fight through all that.

I am always proud of you for the person you will become. I promise I am working very hard to create a safe space for you. All this panic attacks and nightmares will reduce, I promise. You won’t have to be scared to let out your emotions. That safe emotional space you always crave for is available now. Yeah, we struggle with reassurances and insecurities. But we are still working on them. You have come a very long way to give up my friend.

There’s so many amazing things out there for you to be discovered. Even for me. I guess our learning and curiosity will never extinguish 😅 I am thankful to you in a lot of ways. For keeping me strong. I have realised you are my home. I guess that’s why I am very hesitant to use that word anywhere and I am very careful with how I use it. You are always loved. And you are always safe with me. We are safe with each other.

With lots of love,

Your Protector – BMan