Most of my friends see me as this confident person, who feel very comfortable confiding in me. The struggles they go through, all the inner conflicts they have inside them. I have no idea if it has anything do with my confidence. But when they tell me all these things, I picture myself in their situations and try to connect with them emotionally. I don’t try to give them a solution, just be there for them when they need me and listen to them. I know everything works both the ways. But when the same situation is laid up on me, I cant seem to confide into anyone that easily. Its not that I wont, I cant seem to do it. Asking for help has always been very difficult for me. And I think that’s one of the reason I tend to isolate myself from everyone. 

I am often scared to open up to people. Though I like exploring people, their emotions, often I find them weird. I do have fear they would judge me based on my anxiety, because most of them don’t understand what it means to live with constant forms of anxiety. Most of us are over-thinkers, we tend to overthink even the smallest of thing. People often think we overreact because of these intense thoughts. So, I stopped explaining myself to anyone after a point. I always believed from the bottom of my heart, being kind is the way of the world. I have always been sincere at it.

But often I have wondered where has it led me. I have always been scared to show my vulnerable side, and yet I have tried to get out of my comfort zone, and showed few people that side of me. But most of them only end up seeing that as weaker side of me, or consider me emotionally broken. Which has forced me not to show my vulnerabilities to anyone. I showed this side of mine as a sign of trust. To show I am just a human, as flawed as anyone else. But now it has become much more difficult for me to trust anyone, and show my emotional side.

I cant do anything halfway, either I am all in or all out. For me having an emotional connections gives me a good high. I wanted to know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally, what it feels like to be loved like I do, what it feels like to be loved. Most of the times I end up being taken advantage of because of my kindness. It gave me a l lot of trust issues, it became very difficult for me to trust anyone after a certain point. I was taught love as a different thing when I was a child, and I believed that was love. But later when I knew I was taken advantage of emotionally and physically, it broke my heart. I did’t know what was love anymore. I have always been searching for that feel, to feel alive.

All these created a lot of insecurities inside me. Creating self doubts. So much anxiety. Its not something I chose. People I thought were close to me, are nowhere around me. The anxiety attacks are getting very heavy and frequent these days. The breathing becomes very constrained, so much pain near chest, sometimes uncontrollable crying, so much restlessness, often hands start shivering. Even when there is nothing to worry about, there’s this constant nagging or itch in mind, that something is wrong or something is going to wrong. And there’s nothing I can do about it. 

I have often pushed myself to get out of this zone. I have pushed myself to do a lot of things. Like going alone to a restaurant or a movie. Travelling alone. Trying to talk to strangers. Trying out new things, experimenting a lot. But lately, I feel very tired of it. Like I have nobody to even talk to and nobody is able to understand me and what I am going through. So, I choose self isolating myself. I know the pain of not having anyone to just let know what they feel. Just sharing things, happiness, joy, sorrow. Just a shoulder to hold onto. I don’t want to go to my dark place, but often I feel I have no other choice. I have been trying very hard to fight through my anxieties from my childhood. But I am also a human, I got tired now and doing all this alone, and nobody to understand.

At every point we need constant assurance. That’s why sometimes we might ask some stupid questions. I urge everyone to be a little patient with people who have anxiety. Just give them assurance that, you are there for them. It might be too much to ask for, but it would ease their pain a little bit. I don’t even remember how to make conversations these days. I wish I could just talk, non-stop how I used to. I cant seem to find that me. I have been searching the way back to my roots. Be kind to everyone, nobody knows what someone else is going through. If someone seems to be self isolating, please talk to them, before its too late. We don’t know how to ask for help, but we will always be there for you when any of you need us, or at-least me. I wish all this heaviness would just go away.