I tell you a story

nah i am not tell you story. you no deserve story. nobody deserve to know my story nomore. coz everybody s asshole. all everybody do is hurt me. al they have is words words words words words words. i will always be there for you. i will never leave you. you are the best. you are my world. and they say what now. but now they say it all to someone else. i know i no mattered to anyone. all words and lies. i no fall for words nomore. people say i no want to loose u. but they behave like it ok if i go away. for 5 day i talk to noone. nobody even cared to see if i was living or dead. i wanted to go away. end it all. nobody even care if i stop talk for days. everybody have important people. if they no talk to them one day then world stop working. i know i no special like that to anyone. all ok with lose me. is ok. i am no lovable. who want to love looser like me. 

everybody say i there for you all time. and still i all alone. but when they have problem, i always there help and support. but i come in mind only when there problem. otherwise nobody care if i live. problems are for me. but share happines with their love. is ok. everybody have priority. i nobodys priority. i not even important to clear any misunderstanding. he misunderstand, it is hsi problem, that is what everyone will say. it true. it my is problem. i hate everyone. i have many anger on everyone. but i will no show my anger to anyone. i will let angry consume me. i will become monster. i will bring pain to all. i plant this seed in myh mind. i will water it. make it big. i not know if i can hurt anyone. but i know i can hurt me. then that is what i do. 

fuck you all. everybody only want to make me angry. nobody ever understand me. fuck everyon. i hate you all. so passionate about other thing. but nobody considerate to no hurt others feelings. fuck everybody feeling. i wil also start hurting others. they be inconsiderate jerks and hurt many people. then that i will do also that. i will beocme inconsiderate jerk. i always want to be kind. but this world and nobody deserve kind me. i want this whole world to burn. hindu muslim christial jain buddhist i dont give fuck. i want world to burn to ash and blow the dust. then al go fight in fire. i will not care when nobody care how i feel. so fuck everyone,. i was proud to be kind to everyone. but nomore. you hurtme i hurt youno more mercy

fuck youall no more friends. 

 

It s asking me to add title but i not know title

So i write here it says. apparently this s called block. so this must be a div tag. but div can also behave like a inline element. css is so kmuch fun. anyway i will teach you css if you want. but i am a bad teacher. also i am a bad friend.  but i am also bad at everythfinh. i dont even know why i am writing this. because i am that bad. here is a joke for you. what does the tortise said when it ride on rabbit back. it said weeeeeeeeee.. why did it say that. i dont know. i am not tuttle. i dont know if i remeber if i write thos tomorrow.

i am a very vry very bey very very veyr vetr very bad person. i have do nothg good in life. i know i am no important person to anybody. nobody care even if i die. i predict this long bacj. i will be dead in my bed alone. everybody say no you wony but words are words. nobody even care if i am angry with them or disappointed with them. why should it. i am alooser afterall. i am no important person to anyone to fight for. i know everybody hs problems. but i be there when they need or i try i think. they excired about their first fight with others. but not mw. becos nobody care. 3 they just want me to say what thy want and do what they say. but no care what i want. i fight with someone today but they not even care to text back to see if i ok. that is how importabt i am . i have no talked to my best friens in so many days. because i am not good friend. i thought it was ok to make bad decision in life. but it is not. one bad decision can remove all people from your life. but all my best friend can feel for me is sympathy. and that is the only reason my best friens was talking to me. not becaose of me. i m just a failute. 

all i have is anger. no more love no more strength. i want be consumed by anger. i want to destoy me. i am tired of everyone. fighting for what i want. i got no strength. but why would you care. i try, everyone. i try whatever ican. i am sorry i it is no my best. i am sorry best friend. i was no good friend to you. i ma sorry mom, i am no good son. i am sorry wife i was no good husband. i am no good at aythiong. i am sorry lover i was no good lover to you. i am no good humamn being. nobody tell me i am proud of you. i am ahappy for you. but when someone has trouble i be there. i try my best i am sorry it was not enough everyone. but i am proud of everyone fighting through al this. i proud of you my best friend, daughter, potato friend. for fighting. but i sorry i am no good to you. you all better without me. dont go with this loser. sometime i just want this worls to burn for what it has turned me in to. i hate everyone. all i have is anger. for so many years. i try suppress it. it look stupid for many. but i what i am., 

still i try to hold peace but i no happy. but why wud you care .,m    i am just nlobody . you have impirtant perason im your life. if they fight with your or misunderstand you, you have to fix, because you cant lose them. they are impiratn. i am jsut a problem solver. when you got problem i will alwayd be there.,m often i wish all this will end soon. death seems much more peaceful inmany ways, i m hust a rejectonf. i achieve no htinf in life. i wanted sa simple family to see. a daughter to see grow up. nah that is not for me. why wud ia loser like me deseeve all that. all i deseve is pain and death. though t i have so much anger i only want all  to stay happy . youall deserve happy not me. not a loser liek me. .

i sorry mom, i no good son to you. i not give you hapy marraige life. i never be goood son to you. i will obeyr what everyone say hereafter, i just say waht you want me to say or belive. i will no have opinion of my own, i say sorry to myself. i think me is dead long back. i just a physical body with no life. i think i desegve waht i want, i am never wrog, i am only a diorty body. consume me death, take thos pain away, i no desrve to live here. 

Home

Home is not a place, its a feeling

The search for home is never-ending. Most people don’t even understand their search for home. Coz they don’t understand they are looking for home. Its just different semantics for different people. I like to call it home. Or at-least I used to. When I say home, most people think of the place they stay. Its not wrong, coz that’s what they see. Its something more from my perspective. But it has lost all its meaning to me. My best friend used to tell me – actions have more meaning than words. It took me a while to realise it. I have been naive for a very long time, falling for words from people. People I used to consider home.

Home – the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.

I am a very emotional person, sensitive to the core. Small things mean a lot to me, and those are the things that affect me the most. Lot of people have taken advantage of this personality of mine. In a way I am thankful to these people, to help me grow what I have become. But I also hold onto so much anger against these people, for breaking me into pieces like this. I understand, this anger doesn’t have any point. But then at the end of the day, I am just a human. Things always go beyond our control. My good therapist used to tell me – we all like to keep things under out control. I can understand, not every-time things will be under our control. We gotta go with the flow. Its easier said than done.

Home is a very safe place. My home kept my nightmares away from me. Home is where I discovered a lot about me. How extroverted I can be. How far I can go beyond my comfort zones. All those sleepless nights were worth it, coz I got to sleep like a baby at my home. The place I used to call home, or rather the person I used to call my home, is where I got to see the real me, the fun me, the happy me. I don’t know if I can bring back that me again. But I know it wont be the same again. 

I always used to say, humans are very beautiful. Deep down I know, its not true. But when I look into their eyes, I can see a lot of things. The desperation in their eyes, to achieve something for their family. The hopes in their eyes. They too care for someone deeply. Sometimes I wish, I could see the struggles they are going through. Try to understand their pain, give them a long hug, tell them everything is going to be okay. I try to connect with lot of people. Try my best to help them through whatever going through. But these days, I don’t find any strength to connect with anyone. There are days where I stop talking to people. I cant explain why I put myself in self-isolation. 

I try to put up a positive face for people I love. Coz I know how it affects them. But they fail to understand how it affects me as well. Sometimes it makes me feel like, it wouldn’t make any difference to these people, even if I stop talking to them for days. I can understand everybody is a grown adult, and they are busy with their lives. But even I would like to feel prioritised sometimes. That’s why nothing feels like home anymore. I cant feel anything anymore. I used to love rain. It always felt home, when it rains. It used to give me a spark when I see rain. And always makes me smile, when I get drenched in rain. But now, nobody knows if its rain drops or my tear drops. The black cloud is filled with sadness and emptiness. 

My home has been shattered into pieces. And I am very sacred to find a new home. I cant fall for words anymore. And I hate this world for trying to find home through physical appearances. Whenever somebody talks about physical beauty and physical intimacy, it kills me inside. My stomach gets twisted very badly, I run out of breathe. But I am not going to show this to anyone anymore. Everybody wants to fall in love with the strengths. But I want to fall in love with their flaws. There is no home anymore, I don’t even have the strength to look for one anymore. Home was supposed to be the place where family stay. But families don’t break you into pieces and break you again, while you are still trying to pick up the pieces. Home is a not a place, its a feeling. Home is a lie.

Trust

Trust is a double edged sword

“Love everyone, trust no-one” is what my best friend tells me. But he doesn’t know that love and trust go hand in hand. I don’t blame him, because he is right from his experiences. But then perspectives change as more experience is added. So, how do love and trust go hand in hand? To know that, we have to know that falling in love and loving someone is two different things. You can fall in love with anyone. But you start loving someone only when you trust them, because you are going to give yourself completely to them. You don’t often get someone with whom you can be naked emotionally. 

Trust – firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something.

The whole world revolves around trust. But then everybody has their own world. World is nothing but an imagined reality. World can be anything or anyone you want it to be. That is why trust is very fragile thing. Its like a broken glass, scratched sticker, yeah for sure it is something like that. But imagine this for a moment. Your whole world crashes on you, breaking you into pieces. Letting you stray away out of the orbit, which was the only strong bond held it together, being sucked into the darkness, and all that emptiness. The place you once considered home is no more. 

People don’t understand that often breaking a trust is like breaking that person itself. Its a very complicated layer of betrayal. Its something like this, trusting you is my decision, but proving me right or wrong is your choice. I am a very sensitive person, often living in my shell. Me taking a peek out of that shell means I am noticing you. But imagine me coming out of that shell for someone. That’s a different level of trust. It might seem something silly, but I am sure introverts and anxious person like me can relate to this. But I came out of it only to be pushed back in again. It would become difficult for me to get out of that shell again, even if the new person trying to take a peek in the shell deserves to be trusted.

Don’t leave someone broken into pieces, only to be picked by themselves. When you have the chance to do right by them, stand up and do it. But then morality is a very difficult concept to grasp upon. But integrity is not. I always think very hard before giving a word to someone. Because I am scared what if I stray away from that. My word is like my bond, that I am signing up to myself. I don’t want to live my life with regrets. I want to die with at-least the sense of satisfaction that I tried to do something right about it. But as I said, morality is not something everybody can understand. Let alone, being moral to self values. 

Trust is a double edged sword. I will tell you why. You trust someone too less, then you are not going anywhere with that person. But if you trust too much, it will hit you hard when it all breaks. But there is no weighing scale saying this is how much you gotta trust someone. How do you know trust someone? You know you trust someone, when you know that person is going to be there by your side no matter what. You know you trust someone when they are your critique. You know you trust someone when they bring out the best in you. You know you trust someone when they always lookout for you. You know you trust someone when that’s the first person you reach out to at your lowest or best point of life. You can be yourself around that person, with no levels or layers of protection.

I am sorry for everyone who broke you and your trust. I hope you get to trust someone again. Remember, there is always one person you can trust on – YOU. To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.

 

Happiness

Happiness is just a choice

Let me describe my ideal day. In the center of a semi-circle room, lies a comfy recliner, the room is filled with stacks of books. The entire room is dimly lit, while a reading light is placed on top of the recliner. I find a very comfortable position on the recliner and seat myself. In one hand I hold a very long glass filled with cranberry soda, mixed with a dash of lime, with lots of ice and in another hand I am holding my favorite book. I am sitting there for hours together, enjoying the book, completely closed to the outside world. Most importantly, enjoying the solitude.

 Happiness – feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.

 Everyone is so busy with the “pursuit of happiness“, they tend to forget there are other emotional elements to be appreciated as well. The society has set a standard to determine if a person is happy or not. Its like they have a measuring tape always ready in their brains, and if you fall under the scale, you are happy else you are sad or arrogant. The problem is most people think – ‘she/he is not behaving the way I want to, so she/he must be not happy’. These set of standards created by this society has only put our younger generation under a lot of pressure to find the things they are happy about. We don’t teach them to go and find their happiness, rather we tell them a list of things which they should run after, if they wanna be happy.

Lets get real for a second, you don’t have to feel happy about the things I feel happy about, and it doesn’t work that way. I have been through a lot of things to find this so called happiness. So, basically I am an introvert, people around me are all extroverts. They are happy going out, participating in social activities, talk to each other and to new people with such ease. It made me very anxious, every-time people kept pointing at me saying I was shy, and I feel shy talking to people or to even get out, it kinda put a lot of pressure on me. It made me think, maybe something was wrong with me. They weren’t ready to accept me for who I was. In school, it was parent-teacher’s meet. For some reason, my teacher came outright and asked my parents, if I was depressed. 

And all this because I didn’t meet the list of requirements set by them. It always felt like happiness is a responsibility enforced upon us. So, I wanted to find why all this fuss about happiness. I have this practice of experimenting with my comfort zone. I have done different things to break my comfort zone at different points of my life. All this experiments have helped me a lot in figuring out myself and broadening up my mind. I started reading a lot of books, trying to understand people’s behavior by observing them, try to talk to people whom I thought were different than normal people. That is when I came to realization, there are other more important feelings to also consider. Just because I am quiet and not talking to people, doesn’t mean I am not happy. If anything I am more than happy with that. I am happy being myself, enjoying the solitude and little things in my life. 

Happiness is important, but it is not everything to me. I knew that an emotional stability is far more important than happiness. Any given day I would prefer peace of mind over happiness. Eventually, I figured out what are the things that makes me happy. A simple book can make me happy, a quiet and alone day makes me happy, providing to people makes me happy, a very simple and delicious meal makes me happy, an insightful and deep conversation makes me happy. The important reason I was able to figure out all this, was because I was able to accept me for who I am.

Happiness isn’t everything in life, it should just be an another choice provided to us among many. We need to teach our younger generation to experience all wide range of emotions. We need to tell them, its ok to feel sad, or even sometimes cry. We need to teach them to be empathetic to others, to understand what others are going through. Teach them to find out things that can make them happy, rather than telling them what made us happy. Accept them for who they are – this is very difficult for most of older generation parents. And most importantly, teach them to accept themselves for who they are. 

Morality

Morality is only moral when it is voluntary

During my school days, I had this subject called Moral Science. During this class, we were told different stories, which always ended with – moral of the story. It was always fun to listen to these stories. Though I liked these stories, I always wondered why was it part of my school curriculum?

Morality – principles concerning the distinction between right and wrong or good and bad behavior.

Honestly, I have to agree to the fact that these stories did help me mould my character to an extent. In all honesty, morality is only a byproduct of decency. Of course, be kind to each other, help each other, don’t get greedy, be wise, don’t cheat/hurt others are necessary values to teach our children. But most of us stop with that, is that where the moral values stop? I always considered myself to be a good listener. The problem with listening is, you will only be told what they want you to know. That is the reason I rely more on observing these days. 

So, who defines what is right or wrong, good or bad? Is there a community for it? If so, who heads this community? I will tell you who heads this community, you head this community, you are the community. My moral values need not be the same as yours or vice versa. For instance, I don’t drink or smoke, because those are my principles. But I am not gonna judge someone who does smoke or drink. But there was a time when I used to think it was wrong, because of my lack of exposure. Your morality or moral values will keep evolving along with you.

Things which you thought were wrong once up on a time, might be okay now. People are gonna frown on me for the thing I am gonna point out next. Sex before marriage. I am not here to advocate it is right or wrong to do it. All I am saying is, its fine, everyone needs to chill about it. The problem is, people think, we were not allowed to do it, so it must be wrong. We need to understand that just because we were not allowed to do something, we also don’t let others do it and pass judgement on them. I mean doesn’t it contradict with what is being taught in those Moral Science stories. Don’t discriminate people, without knowing them. 

Where does one draw line? Morality is a very complex structure. We are being taught, respect all living being equally, and yet its okay to murder cows and chickens, while murdering a homo sapien, you go to jail. Why does homo sapiens think we are superior to all other species? We are the only species that are so proud that we have moral values, and yet we are the only species who kill each other among ourselves, for the same values. For instance, we appreciate when someone quotes things like – always be yourself, and yet we celebrate people who pretend to be someone else in movies. Lets take a more small case. Love marriages are frowned up on, in the society I live in. When I was a kid, one of my relatives went for a love marriage, to add more to the fire, it was a female. That was enough for my other relatives to discriminate them. I mean, its not like they did something that could potentially end the world or something.

Again, we are contradicting ourselves to the moral stories we were taught, don’t talk ill about a person behind them. You know the people who are discriminating the concept of love are the same people, who celebrate our ex-chief minister of Tamilnadu, who was actually convicted an accused in income tax fraud. Where is the moral in that? It is very convenient, that we homo sapiens can bend our morality as per our needs. Was it moral when Krishna instructed Bheema to hit Duryodhana below the belt in their last fight? Was Duryodhana not moral when he chose Bheema to fight the last battle, when he could have chose any other weak brother whom he could have won easily? Was it moral for Arjuna to use Shikandi as as shield against Bhisma? 

I don’t think most of the people understand the concept of morality. Morality is only moral when it is voluntary. You don’t try to impose your moral values on others. The moral values you impose on yourself are based on your experiences of life, similarly other people will come up with their own moral values. Start observing, don’t just listen.

Respect

Respect is something that has to be earned, not demanded

Right from my childhood, I was told to respect my elders. I never understood why I have to do it, nor was I taught why I have to do it. We are taught to question everything and also at the same time, we are taught to blindly follow certain things. At least, in my case when I try to question why I have to follow those things, the only answer I get – that is how it has always been. But I am a very curious person, if I am doing something I wanna know why I am doing it. So, I wanted to know what does respect actually mean.

Respect – a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

Now, that I know what it means, I know whom I have to respect. That doesn’t mean I don’t respect other people. Its as simple as this – I respect everyone, as a fellow human, but beyond that is something you gotta earn. Now, I know why I have to respect my elders, for their experience and age, but beyond that is something they gotta earn. And that is when I learnt and decided, whom I should be respecting and for what reasons. I am surrounded by people, who judge a person based on the community that person belongs to, but I don’t see any sense in that logic at all. Respect is not something you get based on your caste or religion or gender, rather its all about who you are, and that’s how respect is supposed to be earned.

Now, how do you respect someone? There is no definitive answer to that. You don’t have to respect people the same way I do or vice versa. For instance, I usually don’t call or chat up with people, with whom I am not that close (be it relatives or friends), that doesn’t mean I don’t respect them, that’s just who I am, its my character trait. But they fail to understand that its not being done on purpose. At the same time, if they call up, I will respect them enough to talk what is required. I am not much of a chatter or someone who does small talks, and more often it fires back at me, where people think I am being disrespectful and they get offended. Its really simple, you wanna talk, ring me up, I will talk. You wanna see me, let me know, I will come. These people demand respect, but respect is something that has to be earned, not demanded.

People easily get offended, when they don’t get the respect, but they never try to think for a moment if they have earned it. I personally don’t take this respect stuff too seriously. You are going to respect me for what I am, but nothing more. I wanna respect people for their thoughts, their vision, their intellectual strength, their passion, their kindness and of all their honesty. Most people around me don’t understand the concept of privacy and personal space, to respect such things. I believe everyone’s entitled to have their opinion about anything, and I completely respect that, but I draw the line when they try to enforce their opinions on me. For instance, I am an atheist, we can have a healthy discussion about it. But when you jump out-rite that I am wrong, without any discussions, I simply loose respect for you. And honestly I am surrounded by such people, and I try to stay away from such people.

There is a huge difference between telling and teaching. We need to teach younger people to respect others opinions, respect others feelings. Of all teach them self-respect. We also need to respect them for their thought process, their dreams. We need to respect them for who they are and not be judgmental about it. Everyone you meet is not gonna respect you, and it shouldn’t matter. If you wanna be respected, earn it, not demand it.